Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
sigh
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair