Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.