Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born