Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
You Might Also Like
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.