Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
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That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
my name if I was in the mob
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
incredible text to wake up to
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows