Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Natty or not?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
(more comics:
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Yes, but it was never about money
