Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Good Morning.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.