Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.