Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

😍😂🥰😂😍

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

My dog after a walk in the woods.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER