Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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hmmmmmm
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud