Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
this is the greatest thing ever
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Nothing.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
SF is the wild wild west man
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.