Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free