Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I needed a laugh this morning.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Never go to sleep after making me angry
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”