Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
how DARE
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?