Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Duolingo getting serious.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on