Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.