@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

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@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

@Mom_Overboard

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@BuckyIsotope

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@shkeeber

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.