Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter