Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally