Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
You Might Also Like
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD