Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.