Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven