Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run