Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
live long and prosper!
