Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Catercrombie & Fish

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died