Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
BRO LMFAO
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.