Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
🙀🙀🙀😹
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.