Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
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My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.