Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I’m about to risk it all
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it