Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
