Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
omg leave her alone
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.