Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
don’t we all
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I have never related to anyone more.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
There’s never enough good news
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.