Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.