nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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FRIEND: Women like an adventure
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?
DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]