nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*seductively corrects your posture*