nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party


People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.


My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.


On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.


everyone’s anti-godzilla until there’s a 200,000 ton boat that can’t be moved


I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.


Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room


Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.


Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.