@IndecisiveJones

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

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@LanieLalaBugs

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

@MisterD78UK

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

@TheBlessMess

My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.

@solsayswhaaa

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

@eeberquist

everyone’s anti-godzilla until there’s a 200,000 ton boat that can’t be moved

@TravLeBlanc

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

@skittle624

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.