@IndecisiveJones

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

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@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like an adventure
ME: Okay
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?
DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@Maxine12339

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@DelanieFischer

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]