nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers