Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

#oldknees

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Sniffing the broccoli

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

*skinny dips into black hole

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Me when my alarm goes off