Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance