Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad