Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Every time.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup