Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
one week till the election
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Clients after you give them your rates
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
You were the one.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.