nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Skills
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day