Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain