Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
spot the difference
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie