Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Would you wear it?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here