Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !