Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

I feel seen.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!