Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell