Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Happy Star Wars day!
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My life coach traded me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
broke down and did it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house