Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain