Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor