Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
In banana years, I am bread.
my fav colour is also hitler
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe