Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast