Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.