Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.