Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.