Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company