Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Breaking news:

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans: