Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila