Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Become ungovernable.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Coffee for people with no kids
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.