Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

So that’s what we looked like?

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only