Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.