Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.