Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
dutch is not a serious language
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars