Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Happens to everyone.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
saw this in a dream
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
The Others (2001)
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.