Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

do horses think humans are hats

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids