Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here