Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Just me?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Put this video in the Louvre

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!