Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You Might Also Like
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
this got me crying😭😭
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.