Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Now colored!

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

selfie game

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.