Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
selfie game
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”