Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
synchronized noseblowing
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.