Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people